Journey to 40 Entry 7- Be the Villain

Happy Monday!

I hope your weekend was amazing! Mine was amazing, I was able to host my third event called A Seat at the Table: Winning Season through Yes I Have a Therapist. Yes, I Have a Therapist, a wellness agency I co-founded with my best friend to talk openly about mental health in the black community. It was well attended and received and it was a dream manifested. I had some doubts a few weeks leading up to the event. Things were just not clicking and I also knew this event would put me face-to-face with a past wound and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to do all of that in one day. But God…God knows that we have to be in uncomfortable situations to grow. A little background on me, I was raised to not show a lot of emotion-I was raised to have very strict boundaries and for a huge portion of my life probably 25-27 years I lived like that; Having associations but nothing soul altering.

As I started to grow up spiritually and emotionally, I realized that this was a trauma response. I need people, I need love and in order to do that… you have to be vulnerable. Vulnerability with wisdom is the key. I began to grow and really make connections. When suddenly a connection was severed. I never knew why but I was completely cut out of someone’s life. I thought about reaching out, but I also wanted to respect their new boundary. As someone who was a notorious ghoster in the past, I understand that not everyone deserves answers- so I didn’t seek any. I also didn’t hold onto a grudge either- which was huge for me, because along with those strict boundaries I used to wish ill on anyone who had every done me wrong-no matter how big or small.

This weekend, I got a chance to really see my growth and I realized no matter how good or kind I try to be to someone I am the villain. There are people in the past that the title is probably warranted, I know I have not always been about wellness and healing and I was unwell myself. I was toxic even if I didn’t mean to be. In this situation, I don’t believe that to be the case, but (shrugs) could be- I’ll never know. And honestly at this point- I don’t need to carry that care with me. I released it and it felt both bad and good. It reminded me of the song The Key by Tems, here’s a lyric that meant alot to me:

So let me beat your pain
When the dark is closing in
See they want to love you now
When they tried to take you down
We’ll be flying off the ground
When the world is going out
When the earth is falling in

Tems- The Key

People will try to take down your energy, your focus and you have to get back to the basics. As long as you are not intentionally causing harm and attempt to make amends whether your harm was intentional or not-sleep well, keep your head up and keep focused on your purpose. I will also not create community with anyone who disrespects me- it makes/puts me in an unsafe space. While I am glad for my growth I will not continue to allow disrespect. Disrespect is a choice.

Sometimes pivoting includes you pivoting your expectations and focusing back on yourself.

Pivot with Intentionality,

Renee`